The Transactional Trap: Breaking the Fawning Loop and Dropping the "Pickle in Your Pocket"

When we talk about moving through the world with alignment, we have to talk about what we’re carrying. And a lot of us—especially ambitious women of color, creatives, and advocates holding up the community—are walking around carrying what I call a pickle in your pocket.

It’s big, wet, heavy and smelly, and it’s in your pocket. But the catch is, you need to keep it completely hidden. You need the outside of your clothing to remain looking bone-dry. You need to look as comfortable and normal as possible while you move, even though you are modifying your entire posture around this messy, wet thing.

That is exactly what people-pleasing and fawning look like. It is a hyper-vigilant, exhausting performance designed to make sure nobody observes the mess, all while you slowly drain your own psychological and emotional energy.

I had to learn this about myself the hard way. When I was younger, Fawning was my sweet spot. I was such a fawner and a people-pleaser that whenever I met people, I immediately wanted to know exactly who they were and what they were into, purely because I was looking for a way to make people like me. I was a child of a highly emotional mother, prone to “beatin’ them kids.”

One night, I went out to a show to support some friends who were in a band. While I was checking out the lineup, I saw this really interesting group perform—it was a husband, wife, and some friends situation. I really dug their vibe. My immediate, internal response wasn't just to enjoy the art; it was: "I gotta meet them, and I gotta make sure they know that I'm their friend."

So, we started talking. They’re telling me about their band, their life, who they are, and what they want to build in the world. And right on cue, my fawning system kicks in. It asks: "How can I be of help?" It turned out they needed a van. And guess what? I was the van plug. I knew exactly how to get a van. I told them, "Let me give you the information. Let me help you out. Let me show up for you." Why? Because look at how capable I am! Look at what a helpful, amazing friend Burgandy is! And lowkey, “maybe they’ll keep me around as a friend.”

I went home, reviewed the van inventory, sent the info over so they could see I was right—that I had that ultimate "plug" energy. Then I had to follow up, double-check that they got what they needed, and manage the whole exchange.

But when I look back at that, it wasn’t actually building a relationship. It was like I was selling them something. It was transactional. And that is the danger of people-pleasing: it leads you directly into transactional relationships. When you find yourself there, you realize the unspoken rule of the trap: if you have nothing to offer, you feel like you can’t show up. If you are empty or need help yourself, you isolate, because the transactionality of the dynamic requires you to always have something valuable to trade for your spot in the room.

Facts vs. Myths: Decolonizing the Fawning Response

To break this loop, we have to understand what is actually happening in our bodies. Fawning is not a personality flaw. It is a neurobiological trauma response.

• Myth: People-pleasing means you are just a naturally nice, kind, and generous person.
• Fact: Fawning is a survival strategy. It is a brilliant, instinctual way to move through a dangerous or dominant world without getting harmed.

Think about the recently released movie, Is God Is. There’s a powerful, heavy scene where a woman is trying to explain why she allowed an abusive man to touch her. She knew this man was abusive; he had severely hurt her before. She explains her internal calculus: "I gotta stay alive. I gotta stay safe. I could fight back. I could give him excuses. I could tell him to leave." But her body recognizes that for her survival today, she has to acquiesce. She has to let him touch her. That is fawning in its rawest form. It is the body choosing compliance to stay alive.

• Myth: You are weak because you didn’t speak up or set a boundary.
• Fact: Your nervous system inherited this technology from generations of survival.

Way back when we were cave people, being kicked out of the pack or rejected meant sure death. We didn't have modern housing or heaters; if the group outcast you, you died. Fawning evolved as a physiological tool to show a more dominant packmate that you accepted their role in the group so they wouldn't eliminate you. Being polite, kind, and acquiescing kept your ancestors alive.

We also have to look directly at how this shows up in our history through slave narratives and the oppressive landscape of Jim Crow. Refusing to fawn in front of an oppressor meant deadly consequences. Look at the “story” the oppressors told about Emmett Till. The horrific truth is that they weaponized the narrative that a 14-year-old Black boy was unwilling to fawn, freeze, or lower his gaze. Because he was not willing to perform that expected submissiveness, they murdered him.

Fawning has been a historic shield against systemic violence. But here we are thousands of years later, living as powerful, self-determining leaders, and we don’t need to use those tools anymore. The boardrooms, relationships, and institutions demanding your compliance today do not hold the power of life or death over your body. If you have a history of trauma, this may seem counterintuitive at times. But you can protect yourself without fawning. You can safely lay the shield down.

The Statistics Behind the Strain

If you feel exhausted from the sheer labor of constantly changing your shape, you are not alone. The data tracks the exact burden of the people-pleasing cycle:

• The Gender Divide: A comprehensive YouGov demographic study shows that 52% of women explicitly identify as people-pleasers.
• The Cost of Compliance: The real cost shows up in how it impacts our well-being. Self-identified people-pleasing women are nearly twice as likely as men to state that people-pleasing has actively made their lives harder (59% of women vs. 33% of men).
• The Early Conditioning: Research from the University of Toronto found that girls are socialized early to prioritize relationship maintenance over independent logic. In behavioral testing, girls consistently followed an authority figure’s explicit instructions even when the instructions were visibly incorrect or inefficient, whereas boys quickly discarded the broken rules to find a successful solution.

We are literally trained from childhood to keep the pickle hidden, even when it slows us down.

Checking Your Survival State

I invite you this week to stop, take a breath, and actively check your survival strategies. Your body is constantly operating in one of four states: Are you fighting? Are you flying? Are you freezing? Or are you fawning?

The next time you feel the urgent "van plug" energy kicking in—that impulse to over-deliver, fix, or appease to make someone like you—try this practical somatic boundary pause:

1. The Body Scan: Notice where the tension is. Is your chest tight? Are you smiling while your stomach is twisting? That is the physical presence of the pickle.
2. The 5-Second Air Lock: Before you say "yes" or offer a resource, create an intentional five-second silence.
3. The Internal Boundary Check: Ask yourself one question: "Am I offering this because I have the genuine capacity to give it, or am I buying my safety and belonging in this room with my labor?"
4. The Clean Script: If it's a fawn response, practice a simple, non-transactional boundary: "I love what you're building, but I don't have the capacity to step in as a resource for this right now." No excuses, no data-collecting, no over-explaining. Just presence.

Breaking out of a survival strategy that has kept you safe for years takes time, grace, and professional, culturally competent support. You do not have to untangle the transactional trap by yourself. At Be True Counseling, we provide a sacred sanctuary for women of color, marginalized leaders, and creatives to safely lay down the "Superwoman" cape, drop the pickle, and step fully into their internal authority.

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