The Warmth of a Single Flame: A Skeptic’s Guide to Gratitude in a Cold World

I want to talk to the woman in the back of the room. The one who hears the phrase “mindset shift” and feels a deep, visceral eye-roll. The one whose internal monologue sounds a lot like, “If you ain’t scared right now, you ain’t paying attention.”

I see you. And you are not wrong.

To be a woman of color in a position of visibility right now is to be hyper-aware. The sociopolitical climate, the constant stream of injustices, the weight of representation—your vigilance is not paranoia; it’s a finely tuned survival skill. It has kept you safe. It has kept you sharp.

But what is the cost of keeping the alarm system on, 24/7?

As we enter the season of shorter days and longer nights, a time often complicated by challenging family dynamics and the quiet creep of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), that internal alarm can become deafening. The world gets colder, the light fades, and the expectation to feel festive can feel like a cruel joke.

Your body is keeping score. That constant, low-grade state of fear and hypervigilance keeps your nervous system in a sustained “fight-or-flight” mode. It’s a steady drip of the stress hormone cortisol, marinating your system in anxiety. This isn’t just a feeling; it’s a physiological reality. It manifests as chronic muscle tension, digestive issues, a weakened immune system, and the kind of bone-deep fatigue that no amount of sleep can fix. Your brain, starved of sunlight, may produce less serotonin (the happiness chemical) and more melatonin (the sleepiness chemical), disrupting your entire internal clock and leaving you feeling sluggish and low.

So, when someone tells you to “just be grateful,” it can feel like the ultimate gaslighting.

The Be True Crown Straightening Approach: Honoring Your Protectors

At Be True Counseling, we don’t bypass the truth of your experience. We start there. And the truth is, your skepticism is a sign of a wise and active protective system at work. Let’s use the lens of Internal Family Systems (IFS) to understand this.

IFS theory suggests that our minds are made up of many different “parts,” all led by a core, compassionate Self. The parts of you that feel cynical, vigilant, or angry are what we call “Protectors.” Their job is to shield you from pain, disappointment, and danger. They’ve learned from past experience that vulnerability can be a liability. So when you try to practice something open-hearted like gratitude, these protectors sound the alarm, screaming, “It’s not safe to let your guard down!”

Trying to force gratitude on these parts is like telling a guard dog to ignore an intruder. It’s invalidating and it doesn’t work. The goal isn’t to silence your protectors, but to honor them. To turn to that cynical part of you and say, “I see you. Thank you for working so hard to keep me safe. I know you’re exhausted.”

Breaking the Darkness by Becoming the Light

This is where the work of Self-Mastery begins. It’s not about pretending the world isn’t on fire. It’s about learning to build a fireproof shelter inside yourself. It’s about acknowledging that while you cannot control the darkness outside, you have the sovereign power to generate your own light.

I’ve learned this in my own life and witnessed it in my clients: breaking the darkness, and becoming the light in the room, is the way to stay warm.

If joy isn’t readily available in your environment, you can make it. You can cultivate it from within. This is not toxic positivity; this is a radical act of self-preservation. It is the ultimate rebellion in a world that profits from your fear.

Here’s how we begin to build that internal fire, while still honoring the reality of the world:

1. Acknowledge Both Sides: The foundation of this practice is the ability to hold two truths at once. “The world is facing immense hardship, AND I am grateful for the warmth of this cup of coffee.” “Systemic injustice is real, AND I am grateful for the friend who made me laugh today.” One truth does not cancel out the other. Allowing them to coexist is an act of radical acceptance.
2. Set Boundaries as an Act of Self-Care: The holiday season can demand a level of social and emotional performance we simply don’t have the capacity for. Setting boundaries is not selfish; it is essential self-preservation. This can sound like, “I need to sit this event out to protect my energy,” or simply giving yourself permission to leave a gathering when you feel drained. You are honoring your own needs.
3. Practice Gratitude for the Self: When gratitude for the world feels impossible, turn it inward. This is “gratitude from the inside out.” Appreciate your own resilience. Your own strength. Your own compassion. Write it down: “I am grateful for my ability to navigate difficult conversations.” “I am grateful for my own persistence.” This practice directly combats the inner critic and reinforces your intrinsic worth, independent of any external circumstance.

This work is about choosing where you focus your energy. The world will always give you reasons to be vigilant. But you don’t have to let the cold seep into your bones. You can acknowledge the storm outside while tending to the small, steady flame within you. That flame is your joy, your strength, your truth. And in a dark and cold season, it is the most powerful source of warmth you will ever have.

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If you’re tired of fighting the darkness alone and the idea of “positive thinking” feels out of reach, let’s talk. True strength isn’t about never feeling fear; it’s about learning how to cultivate your own warmth in the middle of the storm. At Be True Counseling, we provide a confidential, culturally competent space to do this work. Reach out today to learn how we can help you straighten your crown. For more on these themes, I invite you to listen to my podcast, Crown Straightening Sessions, available wherever you listen.

Book your FREE 15-min Consultation Call here: https://calendar.app.google/48HVMU36zRSHUdnb7.