The VIP Section: Why You Need to Check IDs at the Door

Where are your Bouncers?

Think about your phone for a second. You probably have a passcode, Face ID, and two-factor authentication just to open an email. You understand that your data is valuable and you don't let just anyone access it.

So why is the front door to your life wide open?

We are raised—especially as women of color and high achievers—to believe that "family is family" and "blood is thicker than water." We think we have to let people in just because we’ve known them forever or because we share a last name.

But here is the truth: When you give VIP access to people who haven't earned it, you burn out. You feel resentful. Your "Crown" starts to slip because you are carrying the weight of people who should be waiting outside in the general admission line.

It’s time to stop letting relationships just "happen" to you. It’s time to design them.

Your Social Galaxy

To get your peace of mind back, you need to visualize your life like a Solar System, with you, boldly, at the center. Everyone else falls into rings of gravity (boundaries) around you.

Level 1: Glow Up Girl! Just You.

This is your private space. You are allowed to have thoughts, prayers, and dreams that you never share with a soul. Keeping things to yourself isn't "secretive"—it’s healthy. It’s yours. You are the Sun.

Level 2: The Partners (The Naked Zone)

This is for your spouse or partner. It’s the space where you are physically and emotionally "naked." But remember: You still own your body and your mind. Even here, you get to say "no."

Level 3: The "Ride or Dies"

These are the 3 AM calls. The people who would help you move a body (metaphorically... usually).

• The Test: Do they defend your name when you aren't in the room? Can they handle your ugly cry without judging you? If not, they aren't Level 3.

Level 4: The New Friend Zone

This is where most people get hurt. This circle includes new and low contact friends you have fun with, social media based relationships, and tangential relationships, like your besties mom or sister. Also, this is the home of our "Asterisk" relationships.

• The Asterisk: These are people like your therapist, your hairstylist, or a casual hookup.
• The Trap: Your hairstylist knows all your business, and your therapist knows your deepest fears. It feels close. But it isn't reciprocal. You pay them (or have an arrangement) to be there. They know the assignment. Don't mistake a "paid friend" for a "Ride or Die." Also, that jawn you have a situationship with that pops by for “maintenance?” Since you agree to keep it casual, this is where they live.

Level 5: The Team

These are people you share a goal with. You are friendly, but you are professional. When the job is done, the relationship is usually done. This includes the softball league, coworkers, pick up soccer group, some church folk, and for many of us the Jack and Jill for the kids, the Fraternity and Sorority regional meeting. While some people may be moved in closer to fours and threes, stop trying to turn all your coworkers into your besties. For public figures, Level 5 can feel heavy. These people may want "all of you" because you represent a community. The boundary here must be firm: they get the Professional Persona, not the Private Self. When the task ends, the relationship usually ends.

Level 6: Intimate Strangers and The Graveyard

This is where relationships go when they end. Exes, toxic family members, old friends you outgrew. We know they exist, but they don't have a key to the house anymore. It also includes the checkout person who knows your favorite yogurt, or your care service person. You have a script, you have warmth, but you have no depth.

• The Graveyard of Relationships: This is where relationships go to resolve. When we divorce, estrange from family, or go no-contact, we move them from Level 2 or 3 out to Level 6. We still know they exist, but they no longer have access to our inner world.

Level 7: Strangers

The person on the street, the elevator or in line in front of you at the market. Mutual awareness ("I see you, you see me"), but no interaction. We forget them almost instantly.

Level 8: Infinity

The people in a house three or 3,000 miles away. You have no relationship; you are oblivious to one another’s existence. This is a majority of the world.

Where is your Crown Slipping?

Before you scroll down, take a second to be honest with yourself. Look at the list above and ask these three questions:

1. Who is sitting in your VIP section (Level 3) that acts like a Stranger? Is there a family member who knows your secrets but uses them against you?
2. Are you over-sharing at work? Are you treating your Level 5 coworkers like Level 2 partners because you’re lonely or stressed?
3. Who drains you the moment their name pops up on your phone? Why do they still have access to you?

Rearranging the Seating Chart

The stress you feel during the holidays or family reunions usually comes from one thing: Misalignment.

You are trying to force a "Level 6" toxic family member into a "Level 3" seat at your table.

Here is the good news: You can’t change people, but you can move them.

We call this "Rearranging the Seating Chart" or depenetration for the folks that want something a little more science-y sounding. It means you mentally move them to a safer distance.

• Physical Distance: You don't sit next to them at dinner.
• Emotional Distance: You stop sharing your "Diary" (your feelings, fears, and hurts) and start sharing your "Newsletter" (the weather, sports, how busy work is).

This isn't being fake. It's protecting your peace. It’s loving yourself enough to lock the door.

See The Map For Yourself

Visuals make this so much easier. We have created a Social Galaxy Map Infographic that maps this all out for you. It’s a literal cheat sheet for your social life. Get the Map here.

Head over to our Social Media Section or check the Resources Section of the website to see the infographic. Save it to your phone. The next time you feel guilty about saying "no," look at the map and remember where that person belongs.