The Gratitude Trap: Why “Be Grateful” Is the Last Thing a Black Woman Needs to Hear

I sat across from a client, a woman whose name is synonymous with innovation in her field. She had just closed a deal that would be written about for years, yet her shoulders were heavy. “They keep telling me how grateful I must be,” she said, her voice a low hum of exhaustion. “Grateful for the seat at the table. Grateful for the opportunity. And I am. But I’m also tired. And I feel guilty for being tired. Shouldn’t I just be… grateful?”

Her question hung in the air, thick and familiar. For the highly visible woman of color, the command to “be grateful” is not a gentle invitation to mindfulness. It is a trap. It’s a subtle dismissal of the relentless fight it took to get to the table, a silencing of the exhaustion that comes from being the “first” or the “only,” and a demand for a performance of appreciation in the face of systemic inequity. It can feel, as one writer so perfectly put it, like “a sting to my essence, a sting to my work ethic, a sting to what I rightfully deserve”.

This is what I call the “inclusion delusion”. You are invited into the room, but on the condition that you don’t mention the drafty windows, the cracked foundation, or the fact that you had to build your own chair. You are expected to be grateful for mere inclusion, an act that frames your hard-earned success as a gift bestowed upon you, rather than a victory you claimed.

So, how do we, the women straightening our crowns under the weight of public expectation, engage with a concept like gratitude without it becoming another form of emotional labor?

We redefine it. We reclaim it. We turn it from a public performance into a private, radical act of self-preservation.

The Be True Crown Straightening Approach: From Performance to Preservation

At Be True Counseling, our work is centered on the truth of your experience, not the world’s expectation of it. When it comes to gratitude, this means shifting the practice from an external display to an internal discipline. This isn’t about toxic positivity or ignoring the very real struggles you face. It’s about strategically building a fortress of self-worth that is independent of public opinion.

Two of our core principles are essential here: Cognitive Restructuring and Anti-Perfectionism.

1. Cognitive Restructuring: Gratitude as Data Collection

Your mind has been expertly trained by a lifetime of experience to scan for threats. The microaggression in the boardroom, the biased undertone of a news article, the looming specter of imposter syndrome—these are the dangers your brain is primed to see. This is a survival mechanism. But it means the good, the true, and the beautiful often get overlooked.

A private gratitude practice is not about pretending the threats don’t exist. It is an intentional, cognitive exercise in collecting counter-evidence. It is you, for you, building a case file for your own strength, joy, and competence.

Think of it this way: when imposter syndrome whispers, “You’re a fraud, and you’re about to be exposed,” your gratitude journal is the documented proof that refutes the claim. Each entry—"I am grateful for how I navigated that tense negotiation," "I am grateful for the moment of quiet I claimed for myself this morning," "I am grateful for my own resilience"—is a piece of evidence. It’s data. You are not trying to feel grateful; you are actively looking for the truth of what you can be grateful for. This practice directly challenges the cognitive distortions, like mental filtering (seeing only the negative) and discounting the positive, that fuel anxiety and self-doubt.

2. Anti-Perfectionism: Embracing Authentic Gratitude

The pressure to be flawless is immense, and it is a lie. You are not a symbol of black femininity, you are not the entirety of the culture; you are a soul. Perfectionism demands that you present an edited, polished version of yourself to the world. Authentic gratitude invites you to honor the unedited truth.

Some days, gratitude will not feel like a sun-drenched field of flowers. It might feel like the stubborn, quiet strength in your bones that got you out of bed. It might be gratitude for your own anger, which signals a boundary has been crossed. It might be gratitude for your tears, which are a sign that you have allowed yourself to feel.

For us, gratitude must be an act of “being self-compassionate in our authenticity”. It is the radical act of accepting your true essence without seeking external affirmation. It is giving yourself permission to be weightless and boundless, even for a moment. This is the opposite of performative gratitude. It is a private, messy, and deeply personal conversation with yourself about what is truly sustaining you. It is an acknowledgment of your own strengths, gifts, and talents, offered without judgment.

This is not the world’s version of gratitude. This is ours. It is not a placating “thank you” for a seat at a broken table. It is the quiet, daily practice of building your own throne.

#BeTrueCounseling #CrownStraightening #BlackWomensHealth #Gratitude #EmotionalLabor #WOCinLeadership #BlackTherapists #SelfPreservation #AntiPerfectionism #Authenticity

If you’ve been told to “be grateful” when you really feel exhausted, unseen, or undervalued, your feelings are not just valid—they are a compass pointing toward a deeper truth. True wellness isn’t about silencing that voice; it’s about learning to honor it. At Be True Counseling, we specialize in providing a confidential, culturally competent space for highly visible women of color to navigate these exact challenges. Reach out today to learn how we can help you straighten your crown. For more on these themes, I invite you to listen to my podcast, Crown Straightening Sessions, available wherever you listen.