Mapping Your Blueprint - Avoidant and Fearful Attachment Patterns

Welcome back to our series on attachment styles. I'm Burgandy Holiday, LCSW, from Be True Counseling. So far, we've discussed the origins of attachment theory, how our relational blueprints are built, and explored the Secure and Anxious-Preoccupied patterns.

This week, we map the remaining two primary attachment styles: Dismissive-Avoidant and Fearful-Avoidant (also known as Disorganized). These patterns often stem from more challenging early environments and can create significant hurdles in adult relationships. As we explore these, maintain a mindset of compassionate curiosity, focusing on understanding the underlying structure without judgment. If you see a pattern that reflects your own, consider exploring the thought after reading this article, and consider reading this article over here.

Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment: The Independent Fortress

Also referred to simply as Avoidant or Anxious-Avoidant.

• In Childhood: In Ainsworth's studies, these children showed little preference between their caregiver and a stranger. They often appeared unresponsive when the parent left and were slow to show positive reactions upon reunion, sometimes actively avoiding the caregiver. Ainsworth theorized this often results from caregivers who are consistently insensitive, inattentive, rejecting, or even punishing when the child seeks comfort or help. The child learns, essentially, to suppress their innate need for connection to avoid the pain of rejection or dismissal. Training for this attachment style may have sounded like “Stop crying, or I’ll give you something to cry about.”
• In Adulthood: Adults with this pattern highly value independence and self-sufficiency, often appearing emotionally distant. Behaviors and scenarios can look like the following:
• Someone might avoid sharing their true feelings with their partner because they fear losing their independence or being controlled if they become too close.
• A person might dismiss their need for comfort when they're upset, saying "I'm fine" even when they're not, because they believe they should be able to handle everything on their own.
• An individual may spend most of their evenings working late or pursuing solo hobbies, leaving little time for meaningful interaction with their significant other.
• When a relationship starts getting serious or during a difficult argument, someone might suddenly become distant or consider ending the relationship to avoid dealing with the emotional intensity.
• A person might project an image of being very put-together and capable, but secretly struggle to let others in or develop a truly trusting and vulnerable connection with someone.

Fearful-Avoidant Attachment: The Conflicted Approach

Also known as Disorganized attachment, this style was identified later by researchers Main and Solomon.

• In Childhood: This pattern is marked by a lack of a coherent strategy for dealing with separations and reunions. Children might exhibit confusing or contradictory behaviors: freezing, appearing dazed, running erratically, or approaching the caregiver only to quickly pull away. This style is often associated with frightening, unpredictable, or traumatizing caregiver behavior, where the very source of safety (the caregiver) is also a source of fear. This might stem from abuse, neglect, or unresolved trauma or loss in the caregiver's own life.
• In Adulthood: Adults with this pattern experience a profound internal conflict – a simultaneous strong desire for intimacy and an intense fear of it. Key traits often include:
• Someone might constantly worry that their partner will eventually betray them or that they are inherently flawed and unworthy of love, making it hard to truly believe in the relationship.
• A person might interpret a simple text message left unread as a sign that their partner is losing interest, immediately jumping to the conclusion that they're about to be dumped.
• One day, someone might be extremely affectionate and need constant reassurance from their partner, and the next day, they might be cold, distant, and wanting space, leaving their partner confused and unsettled.
• Someone might have extreme emotional reactions to small disagreements, like bursting into tears or becoming intensely angry over a minor misunderstanding.
• Just when a relationship is getting serious, someone might start picking fights or pushing their partner away, ultimately causing the breakup they secretly feared, which then reinforces their belief that relationships are unsafe.
• Someone who experienced childhood abuse might find it incredibly difficult to trust partners as an adult, constantly fearing similar betrayal or harm.
• Someone might constantly worry that their partner will eventually betray them or that they are inherently flawed and unworthy of love, making it hard to truly believe in the relationship.

Reflecting on Avoidance and Fear

Do the descriptions of valuing independence above all else, or the internal push-pull between wanting connection and fearing it, resonate with your experiences? Understanding these complex patterns is crucial for navigating them.

These styles, particularly the fearful-avoidant pattern, often benefit significantly from therapeutic support to heal underlying wounds and build pathways toward security.

If you recognize these patterns in yourself or your relationships and wish to explore them further in a safe, supportive space, please reach out to Be True Counseling.

Schedule Your Consultation: https://calendar.app.google/VTUnuYyYdgDqfjKB6

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